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Singledom–a different flavor of angst

“UGH. Why won’t he text me?” “UGH. Who is that other girl?” “OMG what should I wear?” “What do you think he means when he says this?”
These are some of the early stops along the relationship roller coaster. They later take on an entirely different shape “He’s so selfish.” “Do I event WANT to be with him?” “Why is he even dating me then??” Bumpy, messy, and yet… it was comfortable.

Comfortable like your favorite wool sweater. Yeah, it’s a little scratchy and a little too warm…but you know it, you love it…you hate it.

I know it sounds humble-braggy but this 8 month hiatus from dating has been the longest for me in a while. I always said I just like people too easily, that’s why I went from boyfriend to boyfriend. But in total honesty… the truth is actually that I am so terrified of ending up alone that I fall right into the arms of the next best thing.

Another failed relationship.

“Please stay single” my best friend begged. I had to laugh, as if I had a choice. The second of year of medical school was beginning and my life is now stuck on the year long loop of study, sleep, eat, repeat. So it was easy to appease my best friend.

What once was unnerving is at times now soothing…I only have to worry about myself. When I sit alone to write in my blog I don’t feel the need to vent about my stupid boyfriend, jealousy, relationship woes. I sit down and scratch my head and think, huh what is there really to write about. My emotions don’t seem to lift to the high highs nor sink to the low lows as they do when in a relationship.

While I love that I can’t remember the last time I cried, and I love that I have been building myself stronger each day…it does strike me as a little sad that those high highs of love and affection and someone to cuddle with every night, someone to dress up for, someone to go on adventures with…those don’t exist anymore. At least not for now.

The questions when I first became single were along the lines of, what if I stay single forever? What if I end up alone with 74 cats? How will I ever meet anyone? Everyone is getting married, how am I supposed to meet anyone now…I’m 26…I’ve already peaked! They may seem ridiculous but any girl that has been in my shoes before has had those creeping thoughts if only once….or a thousand times.

Now that the initial dust upset of ‘singledom’ has settled a bit…now the distractions have cleared to allow me to ask the supposedly “real” questions. What is my purpose? I am only one person in a very large world. Am I happy with my spot in life? How can I continue to grow? Cue wind chimes.

It is an entirely different flavor. Whereas the being in a relationship is like eating a juicy burger–full of flavor and gives you a bit of a stomach ache if you eat it too fast, being single is like eating a cucumber and tomato salad. This is a delicacy in Israel and to an outsider it may seem odd that it holds the position of the main staple in Israeli meals. It is so simple. Yet, like being single, it has a freshness, a cleanliness to it, and an appreciation for the little details allowing for time and space to self evaluate and reflect.

We constantly distract ourselves with the western diet of relationship drama, that every now and again a palette cleanser of singledom is refreshing. Once you get over the initial ‘boringness’ while your taste buds adjust, you start to wake up craving it’s freshness.

…But every now and again you just want a burger. And who knows if that craving will ever completely go away.

Until next time bloggers, xoxo

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